Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
