Will you blow on my dice?
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
