Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
