I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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