I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Randomize
