Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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