Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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