Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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