Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
there was a trapeze. enough said
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
