if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
My life is pants optional.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
