Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Randomize
