just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
two words: eviction party
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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