And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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