my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
