If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
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