This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Randomize
