I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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