Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Randomize
