I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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