I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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