i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
