I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
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