True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
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