We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
did i just pee glitter
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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