so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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