please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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