I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Randomize
