8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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