One girl and one boy is just not enough.
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
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