Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
