Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
the lady in the checkout infront of me had a case of beer, two 40 oz, and activia...really??i dont' think irregularity is her problem
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Randomize
