god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
BRING THE BAGELS
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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