i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
