I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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