Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
