I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
