i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Mom said you looked used
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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