Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
So not the biggest tits he had his cock between. He could have lied.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
