there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
