Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
