Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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