When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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