I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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