did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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