wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
