I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
