Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I got inside last night via doggy door
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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