She went from zero to smokin in five shots
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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