there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
