You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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