I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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