yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
